Emotional Intelligence (EI or EQ) is a particular type of social aptitude – it is the general assessment of a person's ability to sense, understand, and manage the emotions of oneself, positively react to others, and manage relationships. High EI individuals forge stable, positive bonds that are essential for successful business dealings.
Sales professionals, for example, know very well the benefits of building quality relationships quickly. EI, in short, is the science behind building relationships. The good news is that EI, unlike personality and IQ, is very much a learned quality that can increase with awareness, application, and practice. High emotional intelligence is equally important internally – to foster efficiency, confidence, and innovation – and externally – to inspire customer and partnership loyalty. Poor interpersonal skills create enduring negative perceptions that reduce productivity and may damage the brand and corporate identity.
Hitting the Pause Button
During moments of conflict, one key factor for displaying high levels of emotional intelligence (EI), an essential soft skill, is the ability to rationally, mentally and emotionally, process a situation before reacting. As trite as "think before you act" may seem, this simple adage could significantly shift your bottom line. Too often, our "gut" reactions are not the best reactions to address relationship challenges or customer concerns, for example. Perhaps you can think of a regretful moment in your life when your actions, including your words, just happened instinctually, without critical thought. Would you agree that your emotions got the best of you? The primal decision-making process of "fight or flight" is not as useful in the modern world as one may think. Is there a third option? Yes, the third option is to freeze or stop for a bit before you react. In other words, hit the metaphorical pause button, allowing your brain time to process the situation rationally. While paused, you will be more likely to discover a positive solution to address your concern. It is the incredible frontal lobe in the human brain that allows this positive thought process to occur. When your emotions get the best of you in a moment, likely, your frontal lobe was not actively, purposely engaged.
How the Amazing Frontal Lobe Works
The spinal cortex (1) is the oldest, most primitive part of the brain. It is here where sense signals are sent first. For example, the hairs on the back of your neck stand up while walking down the street at night because you sense danger. That signal is then sent to your limbic system (2), the part of the brain that houses the amygdala, the small almond-shaped mass of gray matter where your emotions are stored. Per this example of walking at night, that sense of danger might evoke the feeling of fear after being sent to the limbic system. Now, if we choose to react to this emotion of fear immediately, we might spoil what could have been a pleasant evening stroll. Why? Our spinal cortex is not always accurate; unfortunately, it can also be very misleading. Again, the solution is to stop, to pause before taking any action. Taking a moment, or several, allows you to implement the fantastic frontal lobe, our extraordinary human superpower.
From an evolutionary perspective, the frontal lobe cortex (3) is the brain's newest portion. It is here where we can process emotions with rational thinking. The frontal lobe acts as a sort of filter for your emotions. It is the part of your brain that asks, "WHY? Why am I feeling the fear emotion on this night walk? Is there anything around me that might be causing this sense of danger?" For the sake of this example, let us say there is not anything happening around you that justifies your sense of danger or feeling of fear. By intentionally using your frontal lobe to think rationally, you can often relax the spinal cortex and change your emotions. This process allows you to decide the best actions to move forward positively and productively. In this example, by rationally processing your feeling of fear, you can now enjoy the walk.
Dogs Vs. Humans
As a similar example, let us use a dog as our subject. Have you ever noticed a dog react irrationally by growling or even snipping at someone they have known for years – simply because the dog had been petted unexpectedly? Or a dog choosing to joyfully eat your slippers or the couch cushions while you are at work? In each of these cases, the dog reacted to its emotions without accessing its frontal lobe, later regretting its actions. (To see examples of this type of regret, search for "guilty dog" on YouTube. It is so worth it!) So, does a dog have a frontal lobe in its brain? Absolutely! However, it only makes up 7% of their brain. On the other hand, we humans have a frontal lobe making up roughly 35% of our brains. How cool is that?! We possess this remarkable superpower, but it only works to its fullest potential if we decide to use it.
Humans Vs. Email
A final, classic example of forgetting to leverage the frontal lobe's power is with email correspondence. Have you ever received an email or a text message from a boss, co-worker, or even a client that triggered negative, even hostile feelings? Perhaps you interpreted the subtext, the meaning behind the words, of the sender as condescending, for instance. A natural, primal instinct is to respond immediately to this email. Too often, this speedy response, accelerated by frustration, resentment, or anger, could be destructive to all parties involved. Sometimes, feelings of regret, embarrassment, and even shame can result soon after the "Send" button gets prematurely pressed. In this example, the "pause button" step has been ignored.
Remember, our spinal cortex, the place in the brain where gut instincts are born, can often be incorrect because it does not usually rely on all available facts. Humans have vast imaginations that can easily be used for good as quickly as for destruction. As convincing as they may be, the stories we write in our minds do not always rely on facts but rather feelings. Although your feelings are valid, they are not necessarily grounded in full-factual reality. The next time you receive such an upsetting email, hit the pause button! Allowing yourself time to find facts and justify or correct the story you have written in your mind could save you a lot of grief. In other words, do not immediately respond.
4-Steps to Unlocking the Power of Your Frontal Lobe
Try the following four steps to employ the power of your frontal lobe after receiving a troubling email. Note: This same process may be used in almost any situation to assure a suitable response and reaction.
STEP 1: Freeze. Just stop. Hit the pause button.
STEP 2: Breathe. Think yoga. Breathe long, slow breaths. Breathing will feed your body with oxygen, a necessary ingredient for thinking with a clear head and the ability to remain calm.
STEP 3: Walk away. While paused and maintaining your yoga breathing, walk away from your computer. Take a walk around the block if you are able. Listen to some music. Talk to a friend about something completely unrelated to the troubling message you received. If possible, sleep on it – let it rest for a day. All of this will allow you to ask yourself some reflecting questions such as, "What emotion(s) am I feeling? Why exactly am I feeling these emotions? Is my 'why' possibly part of the story I have written in my mind? Who could I ask to find more information, more facts about this situation? How can I discover if their sub-text, which I have perceived to be a certain way, is what was actually intended?"
STEP 4: Act. By now, you will have probably come to a slightly, if not significantly, different response than the one you wanted to write initially. You can pat yourself on the back, knowing that you took the necessary steps to respond in a way that will help build the relationship, rather than the opposite.
In Closing
Our frequently inaccurate spinal cortex can significantly impact our emotions and, therefore, our actions. The primal "fight or flight" reactions to conflict are rarely the optimal way to handle day-to-day situations; luckily, most conflicts we encounter in life are not a matter of life or death. Instead, we are responsible for ourselves and to each other to engage our frontal lobe's power more consistently and proactively. When negative emotions kick in, hit your emotional pause button, breathe, try to consider your customers or colleague's possible viewpoint, and then respond. And, yes, all of this can be applied to your personal life, too!
David Marcotte, Head Coach of Marcotte Coaching, is a communication skills development specialist for corporate professionals. For nearly 20 years, through various topics such as presentation skills, storytelling, emotional intelligence, leadership, and team building, David has developed online and in-person learning to help professionals of all levels bridge the gap between oneself and others.
To book live, online soft skills classes with David Marcotte – visit the Complete Professional page of the Marcotte Coaching website. To read David's other blogs and learn more ways Marcotte Coaching can help your organization thrive, visit us at www.marcottecoaching.com.